The best friend I fell in love with.

As the title suggests, this piece is about what happened to me when I fell in love with my best friend, even though I tried so so so so hard not to.

You know when you meet someone? And for whatever reason you’re intrigued by them. I met someone, I’d actually known them for maybe 2 years and never took any notice of them- what a bitch.

One day I did, they did me a favour, and I wanted to repay them by asking them to hang out and get dinner… that’s how things eventuated.

Honestly now I don’t really remember what exactly we did first, but I’m pretty sure we went to 24/7 Kmart, and got ice cream from the Coles next door.

This person was not my type, I was not attracted to them AT ALL. So, in my eyes, this was perfectly fine, hang out with him, be friends etc. etc.

OH BOY WAS I WRONG.

Now not many of my friends actually know about this person, and this situation. I’m very good at keeping my mouth shut when I need to. I don’t trust very easily- even though I am very sociable. It’s becoming a common theme that once I start opening up about something, those people tend to respond with “HOW DID I NOT KNOW” and “I did NOT know this” (more often than not it’s because people would make up their own judgements and have no idea what was actually going on in my life- classic)

Anywhos, this boy changed my life. He challenged everything I said and did and made me realise how unhappy I was as a person. The year I met this boy- my whole life started to change, for the better.

I was finally coming to terms with how unhappy I was in almost every aspect of my life, he helped me realise how valuable I was, and how I needed to love myself so much for- for I am incredible. (thanks, peeps I now have self-love)

I started talking to this boy daily, we would call each other all the time, we would go to each other’s house and stay up ALL night talking, and somehow, I thought it was normal for me to do this and try living my life- without sleeping.

I thought everything was going fantastic- cheer was good, Work was bare able, I was the fittest I had ever been, and I was spending a lot of time outdoors.

HOWEVER, little did I know I was falling in love with this boy. And oh boy did I fall hard.

Time goes on and it grows and grows, I was still in denial. However, at this point we had started sleeping together- BAD MOVE.

More time goes by and my life is going through shambles. He’s there for me through everything. The night I destroyed my ankle at cheer, he was the only person I wanted by my side whilst I felt like my whole world had collapsed- needless to say I was having a panic attack. (that story is for another night I honestly felt like I was going to die, and ended up severely depressed for months after )

Well so I call him, and he’s at a girls house. That’s fine I tell myself, kind of him to answer the phone. Except I was legitimately dying and wanted my best friend by my side. SOMEHOW he was kind enough to come over. But didn’t give me any attention whatsoever, this made me feel worse. I wanted my best friend there? But he was so distant and to this day I still don’t know why. When you have a deep connection with someone and that’s how they treat you on one of the worst , lowest moments of your life your heart breaks even further, and it takes a very very very long time to recover.

Eventually I went off on a trip, we barely spoke whilst I was away, even though every single day I was holding out for attention from him. Needless to say, my whole trip was ruined even though I pretended I was fine. This was when I started to realise that I think I was in love with him, and I was going through heartbreak without even realising it. The ol' classic, having your heart broken by a boy you never even dated. Yep that was it down to a tea. IT RUINED ME.

In a roundabout way, When I came home from this trip I called him hysterical asking why we weren’t normal, ya know how it is. Eventually the conversation turns into a fight and it left me asking one question, "don’t you want things to go back to how good they were between us?" And him answering with “no, I don’t see anything good about our friendship”

HA HA HA. K I died, legitimately, and then I went and got my nipple pierced that day???????? I spent the rest of the day in bed having panic attacks or trying to force myself to sleep.

Things got worse from that day, I took everything out of my room that I ever associated with a good memory of him. My perfume collection, my coloured lamps. My fairy lights. ALL OF IT. Ripped down and boxed up because it hurt too much. To be fair at this point I had lots of people asking why I had removed everything in my room that made me ‘me’. And I had to say that I just wanted to start fresh. Trying to hide your sever heartbreak and depression from nearly every person was some of the hardest times of my life.

I ended up moving out of home, I cried every day. Even out of home I cried every day. It was at this point I realised- this situation had broken me. I had fallen in love with my best friend, and I had lost it. And I didn’t know why. Deep down I knew he had strong feelings for me too, but he didn’t want to progress with them.

I ended up started seeing a psych about this boy. (I had a lot of other issues too but this was absolutely ruining my life) So I would see my psych, we would talk about him, I would bawl my eyes out and somewhere after a number of weeks I stopped crying about it.

We somehow became friends again, because I don’t give up on what I want. However I had to ensure to myself that if seeing him meant heartbreak- then I wasn’t going to be able to do it. All of this happened over a period of about 6 months. Time frames give NO

MEASUREMENT to how special friendships are, and how quickly you can fall in love with someone, and how quickly your heart can be broken into a million pieces and never feel like it’s going to get fixed.

I thought he was the one, I thought I was never going to stop loving him and that I was going to be upset for the rest of my life. I well and truly believed this.

Don’t ask me how but somewhere in this mess we stared sleeping together again!?!? I think I had obviously convinced him I was fine and he also didn’t know how I felt about him. (Deep down he knew)

HE HAD NO IDEA I WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM, HE THOUGHT I WAS JUST SEVERELY DEPRESSED AND ANXIOUS BECAUSE OF A WHOLE HOST OF THINGS IN MY LIFE AT THE TIME.

Kudos to me for managing to hide my LOVE of this boy and not needing to tell him.

Moral of the story,:

I fell in love with my best friend,

he did not love me back,

he tried to get me to love myself,

we slept together for about a year on and off,

I pretended to be completely fine with it.

He loved me, was attracted to me, loved hanging out with me, was perfectly fine sleeping with me but was not in love with me like I was with him.

I’m so thankful for the people I DID turn to throughout those months, I couldn’t have gotten through the worst year of my life without you there to listen to me cry EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Eventually things started to get better. My medication I was put onto for my depression kicked in. I stopped crying every day. Once I stopped crying every day I was able to collect my thought and process emotions and scenarios properly. Honestly they saved my life.

Within another maybe 6 months ?? I had gathered myself, and started to put myself in the field and started going on dates and sleeping with other people. That's when I realised, the things I loved about him, also came with a whole host of other people and that I found myself enjoying other people’s company, developing feelings and noticing what I liked in other boys. PRAISE HALLELUJAH IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

This is why I know exactly what to say to my friends who are going through similar situations. I’ve BEEN THROUGH IT, Even though not many people knew about it.

Anyway I think I just wanted to share that even though I am quite open on social media, 99% of you had no about this scenario, nor that it took over my entire life, ruined me, but also completely saved me. I am so thankful for this boy- to this day we are friends still.

(Yes we eventually had the conversation when he would ask me to hang out and I wouldn’t immediately drop everything like I used to to hang out with him, or wouldn’t message back for a week, and I didn’t even have to try!!!! -That’s when I decided to be like HAHAHAHEY SO REMEMBER EARLIER THIS YEAR I was actually in love with you and you completely broke me and my heart and I had to start seeing a psych bc my love for you was all too consuming HAHAHAHAH YAH BUT WERE COOL NOW RIGHT!? Haha. He got a bit hurt he felt awful for not knowing couldn’t believe it and couldn’t believe that after all that I still wanted him in my life)

So there you have it. Love can suck. But it’s also fantastic. And this boy taught me how to LOVE MYSELF. He never wanted me to depend on him, he had his own walls built up that I worked hard to tear down. As much as this situation still makes me sick to my stomach, I wouldn’t change it. The worst and best 2 years of my life being friends, falling in love, then becoming friends again with this boy.

I knew exactly what I needed whilst falling in love in the future.

(ALSO don’t sleep with your best friend because ultimately as cliché as it sounds, things get ruined. But in my instance I think it had to happen, that way I knew.)

SORRY TO MY GAL PALS WHO I KEEP SAYING TO GO FOR IT, it might work for you?